good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
