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someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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