i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
