If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
