I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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