I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
