I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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