So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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