i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
