remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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