Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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