Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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