1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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