I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
