and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
