im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
