I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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