is your mom at the bar?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
