I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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