After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
