i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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