Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
