And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
