Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
