sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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