I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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