the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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