omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
