Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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