You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dicks are not precious.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
