My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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