pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
