last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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