he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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