Man, jail baloney is awful.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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