he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
