Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
