Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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