YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
