I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
