That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
