Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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