I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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