please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
