If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
