I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
