the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Mom said you looked used
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
