I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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