Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
