y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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